Broken, I sat on a small rug tonight, back leaning against the tub, calves outstretched to feel the coolness of the tiled floor, towel wrapped around my shaking frame, shaking not with chill but with grief. Sometimes you just need to sit a moment, listening to the water drain from the bath, praying your pain would circle down the pipes and out of your life along with it.
No, I haven’t lost anything or anyone. I haven’t received an earth-shattering message or a life-ending diagnosis. Sure, I have problems. Who doesn’t? But my laundry list of complaints probably isn’t all that different from yours. Maybe they look different but I doubt they vary significantly in size, shape, or weight.
My grief has nothing to do with what I’ve lost and everything to do with who I am. Or rather, who I am not.
The Woman in the Mirror
I unloaded the Reader’s Digest version of my most recent set of unfortunate circumstances on my tribe today, and as good allies do, they championed their friend and bolstered me up with encouragement and praises. Sadly, it wasn’t my circumstances that weighed so heavily on heart but rather the realization that I was far from deserving of their accolades.
They used words like “grace” and “warrior” and all I could see was the woman that I wish I was, not the woman they think I am. I would love to be able to say that my reluctance to their commendations was an act of humility on my part, but the truth is that I simply fell short. God forgive me if I’ve painted an inaccurate picture of myself that causes others to think more of me than they should. For, I am worn.
Soothing Balm
I remember standing with my back against my kitchen sink in 2012, phone in my hand, listening to a new song that a friend had sent me. The words gripped my heart as I fell to my knees and sobbed. The words rang so true to my soul.
“I’m tired, I’m worn, My heart is heavy, from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world.” (Worn, Tenth Avenue North)
Tonight I couldn’t help but call upon this tried and true balm for my heart once again. Like an old friend, the words soothed my soul and refreshed my spirit. Though in my flesh I may be frail and torn, God gives breath for new life and rest that restores and renews.
Still, I was left wondering- how did life wear me down so much as to allow such animosity to breach my heart? I thought I had my guard up. Where were my defenses? When did they weaken? How does a woman in love with Jesus find herself falling prey to the same old redundant lies and strongholds of the enemy? How could I find myself stumbling down the old familiar path of bitterness and anger, yet again?
Just as I’d reached a verdict of 40 lashes for myself, God caught the arm of my mind and removed the whip from my grip and led my eyes to Romans 7.
I know this is long, but I have to share it. Here’s Paul, a hero of the faith, beating himself up just as I did a few moments ago, only to recognize the hand of God at work.
Romans 7:15-25
15 I’m a mystery to myself, for I want to do what is right, but end up doing what my moral instincts condemn. 16 And if my behavior is not in line with my desire, my conscience still confirms the excellence of the law. 17 And now I realize that it is no longer my true self doing it, but the unwelcome intruder of sin in my humanity. 18 For I know that nothing good lives within the flesh of my fallen humanity. The longings to do what is right are within me, but will-power is not enough to accomplish it. 19 My lofty desires to do what is good are dashed when I do the things I want to avoid. 20 So if my behavior contradicts my desires to do good, I must conclude that it’s not my true identity doing it, but the unwelcome intruder of sin hindering me from being who I really am.
21 Through my experience of this principle, I discover that even when I want to do good, evil is ready to sabotage me. 22 Truly, deep within my true identity, I love to do what pleases God. 23 But I discern another power operating in my humanity, waging a war against the moral principles of my conscience and bringing me into captivity as a prisoner to the “law” of sin—this unwelcome intruder in my humanity. 24 What an agonizing situation I am in! So who has the power to rescue this miserable man from the unwelcome intruder of sin and death?
Paul found himself tormenting himself over the fact that despite his desire to do the right thing, he continually found himself doing the very things that he knew were wrong.
Oh, how I can relate!
For nine verses he laments the fact that he has become a prisoner of his sin but in that final verse he finds the escape hatch and holds it open for you and I, as well.
25 I give all my thanks to God, for his mighty power has finally provided a way out through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One! So if left to myself, the flesh is aligned with the law of sin, but now my renewed mind is fixed on and submitted to God’s righteous principles.
Renewed
A renewed mind is the solution.
For the long nine verses of my day, I grieved my stumble into the pit of old hangups and negative mindsets. The mettle of my willpower was tested and found wanting. I declared myself a failure.
Yet in the tenth verse of my day, God stepped in.
His mighty power provided a way out through Jesus. He has renewed my mind and fixed it on things above. Each day that I fall, I can get back up. We never run out of chances with God. We never stumble too many times. We never fall so deep that He cannot lift us out of the mire and set our feet on dry land.
Today I was not the warrior that my friends believed me to be. I did not have a gracious heart or a tender spirit. I did not encompass love and peace and forgiveness. I did not rise above the sin that enslaved me.
But tomorrow, with a renewed mind fixed on Him, I will.
Do you ever find yourself struggling with the unwanted intruder of your own humanity? How do you go about renewing your mind? Please join the conversation!
